Head vs Heart

Luke 11:9-10 tells us no matter who we are, if we have a question we can always ask and Heavenly Father will answer us. If we are lost and we need to find our way, Heavenly Father will leads us there. Sometimes I forget that we have this direct link to Heavenly Father and that He is so open to giving us the answers we need. Whether it's through scripture, through the prophet or through personal revelation, He will give us an answer. I think I forget, because I'm afraid of the answer I'll receive. Or that I won't receive any answer at all and then I don't end up asking Heavenly Father really pressing questions because I'm so afraid I won't get an answer. 

As a convert, I didn't grow up with the knowledge that G-d loves us unconditionally and I didn't know we could ask questions, I wasn't even sure G-d existed. Out of sheer force and persistence and help from the Holy Ghost do I believe and know Heavenly Father is my father in heaven. When I started meeting with missionaries I felt so uncomfortable praying, I felt like I was just talking to the air because I had never prayed before and at the time didn't know anyone was listening, but I wanted it to be true. My brain knew it was all true, but my heart didn't quite feel it yet. But the spirit is so strong. "But rather seek ye the kingdom of God; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Luke 12:31). My heart may not have been there yet, but my head certainly was. I had the knowledge that everything was true, because I had had proof through dreams and the spirit helped me and I knew everything that the missionaries were telling me was true. But I couldn't get my heart to listen.

I still feel this way sometimes, especially when it comes to asking for personal revelation. That doubt sinks in, the way I grew up comes back and I'm so afraid that I won't get an answer and a little part of me will go "see, there is no G-d, all of this was fake." I know this is just Satan talking. I know this doubt is just the adversary telling me not to try because he doesn't want me to ask Heavenly Father for help, because he wants me to suffer. But Christ wants me to be happy. Heavenly Father wants me to be happy. Heavenly Father wants me to ask Him for personal revelation. I know He's dying to answer my very pressing questions that I am too afraid to answer.

The same goes for repentance. My head knows there are some things I need to repent for, and I know I'll be forgiven, but my heart doesn't feel it. Repentance isn't just apologising to Heavenly Father for transgressing. I could apologise and ask Heavenly Father for forgiveness until I am blue in the face, but it doesn't mean anything if I don't feel sorry. That's not to say, I won't or don't repent. If I know I've sinned, I will. But I'm afraid that Heavenly Father won't forgive me because my heart is not in the right place. And scripture like, "unless ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish" (Luke 13:3), only add to the fear. I know what I have to do and I do it, but there is an ongoing battle between my head and my heart and because I am so afraid of asking for help because of doubt, there is even more of a battle.

I know Heavenly Father is real, and I know Jesus Christ is my saviour. I feel this with my entire heart and with my entire soul. No matter what has happened to me since I became a member five years ago, my head and my heart have always agreed on that. 

Trust in the Lord, Even When You Feel Like You Can't

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD after losing my job at Disney, I didn't really think much of it. I just thought g r e a t, another mental illness I can add to my already long list. But even though it's been a year, it didn't really hit me how bad it was, other than the odd panic attack, until this past Monday night when I found myself get irrationally angry for seemingly no apparent reason. I had no idea what had triggered me, but I was angry at every single one of my former co-workers for shaming me and telling me I deserved to get fired and that I deserved to lose my friends because I spoke badly about a billion dollar corporation. Along with PTSD, I have ADHD and I have a love-hate relationship with the hyper-focus part of ADHD. It can be nice when I'm really into my school work and all of a sudden it's three days before every single one of my assignments is due but I've already finished all of them, but it's pretty awful when I'm in a downward spiral of a PTSD trigger. 

In John 7:6, Jesus says "my time is not yet come but your time is away ready" and even though I hadn't thought of it while I was triggered, in reading the chapter it really struck me like a bolt of lightning. When I first got termed I remember repeating to myself over and over again: this is temporary, the Lord doesn't give us anything we can't handle. In reading this scripture, and seeing where I am now compared to where I was a year ago is leaps and bounds different really testified to me that Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father really has everything planned for us perfectly. Even though I got triggered out of no-where, it had been months since this last happened.

It can be really easy to lose sight of what's important, especially when dealing with mental illness. Having a mental illness can at times feel like Satan has crawled his way through your ear and set up a campsite where instead of singing campfire songs, he whispers lies t you while he roasts marshmallows. This is why it is so important to remain faithful to Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, no matter how difficult it may be. The pharisees and the Jews had hardened their hearts and wouldn't even listen to Jesus Christ, we can't be like the pharisees if we want to stand any chance against Satan. Helaman 5:12 says "it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the son of God, that ye must build your foundation, that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yeah, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power to drag you down." If we set our foundation in Jesus Christ, it will be so much easier to remember that He has a plan. His timing is not our timing, but His timing is perfect.

We cannot lose faith, we have to keep seeking guidance from Jesus Christ or Heavenly Father because if we don't Satan will have his way with us. We just have to trust in the Lord.

(To get over my trigger I vented on twitter and googled med schools I'll probably never get into, you do what you can)

Jesus Taught Love, not Hate

Even though I have been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints for five years now, I am constantly surprised when I read the scriptures and Christ is being Christlike and not hateful like the media and the alt-right paint Him to be. I am reading the new Testament for the first time and I don't see much of Jesus hating and condemning sinners, but I see Him helping sinners and sitting with sinners and praying with and for sinners. In my mind I don't see christ angry at a woman getting an abortion, I see Him holding her hand and comforting her as she makes an incredibly difficult decision, whether He agrees with it or not. I don't see Christ happy that parents kicking their son out for being gay, I see Christ helping him find a new place to live, somewhere safe where he'll be happy, whispering in his ear that he is loved.

I spent a lot of the last five years hiding the fact that I was a member of Gods church because of the stereotype that those who follow Christ are hateful because Christ is hateful. But Christ is not hateful. He loves each and every one of us, even when we sin. He is disappointed when we sin, but He still loves us. 

People tend to use Christ as a scapegoat. Use Him to justify their bigotry and hatred when He was neither of those things. I went for an annual checkup at Planned Parenthood and was met with protestors in the parking lot, holding signs wanting to defund Planned Parenthood, that it's a slaughterhouse, and others like that. I'd never been to Planned Parenthood, I went because I needed an annual checkup and a TB test for when I start on campus classes at BYUI in the fall, but I was meat with protests and yelled at for murdering children (I wasn't) and that I was going to burn in hell (I'm not) and that Jesus doesn't love me (He does) if I go into Planned Parenthood. Matthew 5:22 says "but I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother without cause shall be in danger of the judgement." I was a stranger, and they were abusing me in the name of Christ because they assumed something that wasn't true. 

As I was looking through my past tweets to find the picture on this post, I saw something I had retweeted that just said "kindness upon kindness" that Elder Gong shared at the most recent general conference. I don't remember the context (although he must have talked about passover because I tweeted about that just before retweeting this quote) but it reminds me of the D&C 98:12 "For He will give unto the faithful line upon line, precept upon precept," because I don't believe being faithful just entails following all the commandments, but it involves being Christlike and showing love to our brothers and sisters and above all being kind to each other, whether we agree with what someone is doing or not. We don't know what someone is going through and one kind word could be all someone needs to hear. 

For with God Nothing Shall be Impossible

When I think of this scripture, I am reminded of my year 13 Outdoor Education class. It was the dead of winter and we were inside because we were working on our leadership unit. The activity we were working on involved getting across an obstacle course of foam pads that were far apart from each other and we couldn't touch the ground or we'd have to start again. We did it twice round. The first time, the room was silent and we had to get across using our own minds and the second time we had encouragement from our peers. The first time round, I remember my time was a minute longer than when I had encouragement. The scripture reminds me of this activity because when we have Christ and Heavenly Father helping us through life, everything is so much easier.

When I finished high school, I moved a world away from all of my friends. Literally, I was living in the North of England, in the Lake District and moved to South Florida two weeks after getting my A-Level results. I was lonely, I was depressed, I was suicidal and on occasion I did self harm. I didn't have the gospel in my life and I had no idea what I was going to spend the rest of my life doing. I lived day to day, late to work every single day because I didn't see the point in getting up. I worked one part time job but didn't have the energy to get a second one. I went to work, I came home, I watched tv, went to bed. It felt like a never ending cycle. Worst of all, I was lonely.

Temple trip with the sisters in my ward, the day
after I was suspended

About a year ago, I got fired from my dream job. It also happened to be during the week that I had started reading my scriptures in the mornings before work and I'd given myself the challenge of not listening to any secular music for a month. Looking back, losing my job should have been impossible. I remember phoning my mom and telling her how depressed and low and suicidal I felt, but I also clung tighter to the iron rod. The day I was suspended, I went to the temple. The next day, I had lunch with the Sister Missionaries in my ward. I did everything I possibly could to not let go of Christ, but to bring Him in my life more. And it didn't feel impossible. It felt almost easy going through and event that gave me a lot of trauma and stress and anger. I made it thanks to God and Jesus Christ. I was able to get a job less than two weeks after I got fired - my unemployment benefits didn't even have time to kick in! And I know that that is thanks to Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father. 

After getting termed I moved back in with my parents and joined a new YSA, where my Institute teacher is one of the best teachers I've ever had, (that is a blessing in itself) and an extremely inviting ward filled with converts and a branch President who invited us over for hot dogs and s'mores (his wife took care to get me kosher hot dogs because she knows I eat kosher). 

In June of 2019 President Nelson came to Orlando during his "Follow the Prophet" tour, where I have the privilege of being an usher. During his talk he said "Jesus Christ is our anchor when we are desperately in need," and that echoes the Luke 1:32 scripture because without an anchor, we are adrift and it can seem impossible to stay in one place, but an anchor makes everything possible.

This last year should have been impossible. I've lost the majority of my friends, I lost my dream job and moved back in with my parents. But it wasn't. It wasn't, because I had Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ holding my hand with every step I took. I asked Him for guidance when I lost my job and He has continuously helped me since, because with God, nothing is impossible.

A Lot can Happen in a Year

I forgot I had a blog and I don't know what got me me to open it again and read what I had written. It's been almost a year and a half since I wrote and I feel like I'm a completely different person. I went from not going to church to going to church every week, participating in weekly activities like Institute and FHE when I'm not working. I read my scriptures every night and I pray multiple times a day. Jessica from a year and a half ago would not be able to recognise me.

I feel like the title of my blog, "Trying My Hardest," means more to me now than it did when I started it. I was trying my hardest in the gospel and staying active in the church, but now I'm trying much harder in life. I got fired from my dream job for something that wasn't my fault, my roommate threatened to sue me if I moved out, I lost almost all of my friends and I'm in a spiralling depression and I don't know if I'll ever get out it. But despite all of these hardships I've held onto Christ and the iron rod harder than I ever have in the past and I know that's why I am still alive.

Orlando, Florida Temple

When I was suspended the first thing I did was go to the Temple. It was my friends first time doing Baptisms that night so a lot of the members in my ward were there and I had a lot of company. I started the night with clenched teeth, a heart in my throat and my eyes blurry from tears that kept threatening to come out. But by the end of the night I felt at peace and I knew the Lord was by my side and helping me through this.

When I got fired, the days leading up to me moving home, I went to the Temple every day. I promised the Sister Missionaries in my ward that I would go to the Temple and do baptisms on my own and I did. And it was wonderful. The peace that I got was unlike anything I'd ever felt and I know it was the Spirit helping me through this difficult time.

President Monson said in the April 2015 General Conference, "as we enter through the doors of the temple, we leave behind the distractions and confusion of the world. Inside this sacred sanctuary, we find beauty and order. There is rest for our souls and a respite from the cares of our lives." At this difficult time in my life, had I not gone to the Temple daily I would not have found that respite and I would have been stuck in my grief. In the Temple, worldly things do not matter. Only you and the Lord.  Isn't it great that we have a place where we can be so close to our Heavenly Father? We are so lucky that our Heavenly Father loves us so much that He sent us His only son and restored His church on the earth so we can be with Him again.

I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the Lords one true church. I know He sent His son to atone for our sins because He loves us so much. And I know that if strive to be more like Him and keep our covenants, He will bless us. I have felt it and I revel in the blessings He has given me, daily.

Sundays are a way to start over

I went to church for the first time in two months today. When I moved to Orlando I became inactive because I was nervous about joining a new ward and because I didn't want my roommates to know I was going to church. But this morning, both my roommates were at work!

Getting to church wasn't easy though. Last night I had a nightmare that one of my roommates found out I was a Mormon and she wasn't mad, but she was hurt. Quite visibly hurt. When I was in high school and my friends would tell me they'd had sex for the first time, I'd have this rock sitting in the pit of my stomach like I'd been betrayed and I can only imagine that this is how my roommate felt in my dream after telling her I was LDS. Then she became passive aggressive. And then I woke up, 45 minutes before my alarm.

I woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that this would happen in real life. So I turned my alarm off and went back to sleep because I didn't want to deal with any hypothetical repercussions. When I woke up for real for the day I made breakfast and started watching the Sunday morning session of conference. At this point I was well awake and realised none of my roommates were home. I got a prompting to go to church and I knew I had to listen to it. It was only 9.30 so I would make it to Sunday school. I got dressed and made it to church for 10.12.

Upon entering the building I saw a toddler running around, which was odd. The family ward didn't start until 12. I walked around looking for the entrance to the chapel and all the lights are off in the chapel but there is a screen up at the pulpit. It took me a while to realise it was stake conference. I sat in the back row and listened to the speakers.

I love when we have conference because talks are my favourite part of church. So many lessons can be given from sacrament meeting talks. And every speaker said something that felt like it was directed at me and only me. Some things said that really stuck out to me:

• "If we rely on our Savior, we can overcome anything"
• "We are bringing salvation to our souls when we participate"
• "If we follow the promptings of the Spirit, we an help investigators and ourselves"
• "It has to be hard, if it were easy there would be no growth"
• "We must follow the Lord regardless of our fear"

A lot of the speakers talked about listening to promptings and it really resonated with me because had I not listened to the prompting that led me to church this morning, I would not have gone and heard all of these wonderful talks. I would be mad at myself for missing church, again and feeling worthless and like I didn't deserve Heavenly Father's and Christ's love like I've been feeling since I moved to Orlando. 

It is hard, but its not the gospel that hard. Its society and the impact that it has on us. But the blessings we get from simply going to church are more infinite than whatever happens when we don't go to church. When I got home I felt likeI had been uplifted and I've been given a new motivation to learn more about the gospel and how to be better. I am excited for Institute on Thursday. I haven't been excited in a long time. I feel like I can start over again. And as I pray for strength to overcome my fear of what others will think, I know I will receive the blessings that come with being able to share the gospel freely.

I know the church is true and if we follow promptings that the Lord gives us we will be filled with a joy.  It doesn't matter how hard things are, the Lords love for us is eternal and he will help us through. 

Nothing Worth Doing is Easy

Three years ago today I was baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. For those who don't know what church that is, I am a Mormon. It hasn't been an easy ride, nothing worth doing is, and I keep this part of me a secret from almost every one I know and I'm tired of it.

Me and the Elders who taught me, on the day of my baptism.

I'm scared of what people will think of me, I'm scared I'll lose my friends and I'm scared I'll be made fun of for being LDS because when I was first baptised, all these things happened. Lots of members are homophobic and theres a stigma behind being a member or a follower of Christ because people automatically think you're a terrible person even though true christians are full of love because Christ was and is full of love. 

Elder Uchtdorf said during the October 2017 Women's session of General Conference, when speaking of the 3 sisters, "why should you surrender your happiness to someone who doesn't care about your happiness," so why should I not shout my love of Christ and His restored church just because I'm scared of what might happen, I'm not happy and keeping this a secret is not making me happy. I haven't been to church in almost 3 months and I'm not motivated to go because I'm scared of what my roommates might think. 

So here I am, telling the world, I am a Mormon. I know it, I live it, I love. And I'm hoping sharing this will help me to become closer to Christ. And if people really do love me, they won't care that I'm a Mormon, and I hope they won't feel uncomfortable around me because I used to feel uncomfortable whenever someone said Christ's name.

But here's another secret, I'm also Jewish (which is why I used to feel uncomfortable about Christ). And a lot of people I know, especially my family, say I'm not allowed to be both. But who cares. I was born and raised Jewish, I had a Bat Mitzvah, I eat Kosher (for the most part) and I follow the high Holy Days (Chag Pesach Sameach). Judaism, which a lot of people choose to deny or ignore, is a race as well as a religion. My blood is 96% Jewish so it is within my right to call myself Jewish. Not only that, but Judaism is a culture, a culture which was nearly destroyed in 1945 so why are people nit-picky about who gets to be Jewish? "Oh you like Jesus, you can't be Jewish." *eye rolls for eternity because Jesus was Jewish and taught in the Temple as a boy* Being Jewish is very important to me so it makes me mad when someone says I cant be both. 

I know Heavenly Father is okay with me being both Jewish and Mormon and I shouldn't care what other people think. I know Heavenly Father loves me and I am His spirit daughter and that no matter how badly I mess up, or if I keep Him a secret, He will still love me. There is nothing big enough that I, or anyone else can do that will make Him stop loving us. I know that the Book of Mormon is true and that if we read it we will receive answers that we are looking for. I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church and that Russell M Nelson is the true President of the church. I pray that we can all find a way to find strength to share the gospel, however we can, and that I and we no longer need to hide our love of christ because we are afraid.