Luke 11:9-10 tells us no matter who we are, if we have a question we can always ask and Heavenly Father will answer us. If we are lost and we need to find our way, Heavenly Father will leads us there. Sometimes I forget that we have this direct link to Heavenly Father and that He is so open to giving us the answers we need. Whether it's through scripture, through the prophet or through personal revelation, He will give us an answer. I think I forget, because I'm afraid of the answer I'll receive. Or that I won't receive any answer at all and then I don't end up asking Heavenly Father really pressing questions because I'm so afraid I won't get an answer.
As a convert, I didn't grow up with the knowledge that G-d loves us unconditionally and I didn't know we could ask questions, I wasn't even sure G-d existed. Out of sheer force and persistence and help from the Holy Ghost do I believe and know Heavenly Father is my father in heaven. When I started meeting with missionaries I felt so uncomfortable praying, I felt like I was just talking to the air because I had never prayed before and at the time didn't know anyone was listening, but I wanted it to be true. My brain knew it was all true, but my heart didn't quite feel it yet. But the spirit is so strong. "But rather seek ye the kingdom of God; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Luke 12:31). My heart may not have been there yet, but my head certainly was. I had the knowledge that everything was true, because I had had proof through dreams and the spirit helped me and I knew everything that the missionaries were telling me was true. But I couldn't get my heart to listen.
I still feel this way sometimes, especially when it comes to asking for personal revelation. That doubt sinks in, the way I grew up comes back and I'm so afraid that I won't get an answer and a little part of me will go "see, there is no G-d, all of this was fake." I know this is just Satan talking. I know this doubt is just the adversary telling me not to try because he doesn't want me to ask Heavenly Father for help, because he wants me to suffer. But Christ wants me to be happy. Heavenly Father wants me to be happy. Heavenly Father wants me to ask Him for personal revelation. I know He's dying to answer my very pressing questions that I am too afraid to answer.
The same goes for repentance. My head knows there are some things I need to repent for, and I know I'll be forgiven, but my heart doesn't feel it. Repentance isn't just apologising to Heavenly Father for transgressing. I could apologise and ask Heavenly Father for forgiveness until I am blue in the face, but it doesn't mean anything if I don't feel sorry. That's not to say, I won't or don't repent. If I know I've sinned, I will. But I'm afraid that Heavenly Father won't forgive me because my heart is not in the right place. And scripture like, "unless ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish" (Luke 13:3), only add to the fear. I know what I have to do and I do it, but there is an ongoing battle between my head and my heart and because I am so afraid of asking for help because of doubt, there is even more of a battle.
I know Heavenly Father is real, and I know Jesus Christ is my saviour. I feel this with my entire heart and with my entire soul. No matter what has happened to me since I became a member five years ago, my head and my heart have always agreed on that.
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