We Need to Forgive Ourselves

As long as we repent with a sincere heart, the Lord will forgive us. I think next to the Atonement of Jesus Christ, that is one of the biggest blessings we can receive in our lives. But I think something we often forget to do is forgive ourselves. Mark 11:24-25 tells us the the Lord won't forgive us unless we forgive. I've always taken that to mean we need to forgive those who have hurt us but what if it also means we need to forgive ourselves for the hurt we've caused others or the sins we've made. 

I think there is a lot of self-hatred in the church, because of church culture, when we sin. We can feel judging eyes in sacrament meeting fall upon us when we've done something we're not supposed to do and even though we've repented, the judgment alone can make us feel like we need to stay with a guilty conscience. Whether it's a big sin or not. The Lord loves us, whether we sin or not. He would prefer us to not sin but He knows we're human and as long as we come to Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and repent, He will forgive us. Then why can we not forgive ourselves? 

About five months after I was baptised I started college and moved to France and in with my abusive grandmother. (To be clear, I am not blaming this on her, she just merely planted the seed and I helped it grow.) I wanted to go to church, I had found a new ward within walking distance from my grandmothers apartment and was excited to go. But every Sunday my grandma had something planned for us, nothing on the other days of the week, only Sundays. So I got out of the habit of going. I went to Institute once, but as a new member in a new country, I felt so much anxiety that I couldn't go back. Less than a month after I moved in with her, I became inactive. I wasn't much of a drinker before I was baptised, but once I was inactive I drank (in my mind it's a lot, but in reality it really wasn't) I smoked, I once did hard drugs and i was so depressed that I started to self harm. The thought of the Lord came to my mind a couple of times but I felt so guilty about all the bad things I was doing I never let the thought linger for more than a minute. The more guilty I felt, the farther away from the Lord I drifted. Satan was thriving. 

The summer after freshman year, I tried to kill myself. The only reason I am still alive today is because while I was in the hospital, I heard Heavenly Fathers voice telling me I wasn't done yet. That I still had more to do. He tried so hard to get me to come back to church and I wouldn't listen until I had sunk so low I had no choice but to listen to Him. I would be lying if I said I listened to Him right away, because I didn't. I couldn't even remember this until about a month later when I was on the metro to school. But the spirit was so strong, it felt like I was the only person on the train and the Lord was squeezing my cheeks together and pointing my face in His direction, screaming to get me to listen. I finally did. And I felt so guilty for everything I had done during the last year. I was so embarrassed with my behaviour that even still, I couldn't go back to church. Even though by that point I had repented and was back to reading my scriptures and having daily prayer.

Satan is so strong, if we can't forgive ourselves it's probably because he's still around whispering in our ears that we're not worthy of forgiveness even though the Lord has forgiven us. It took me a good year of prayer and fasting to be able to forgive myself. I like to say that my suicide attempt is both the worst and best thing to ever happen to me because It brought me back to the Lord. We deserve to be forgiven. We deserve to forgive ourselves. The Lord loves us. Heavenly Mother loves us. And our big brother Jesus Christ loves us. They don't want us to live with guilt. Only Satan does and we have to do everything we can so that he does not win.