Sundays are a way to start over

I went to church for the first time in two months today. When I moved to Orlando I became inactive because I was nervous about joining a new ward and because I didn't want my roommates to know I was going to church. But this morning, both my roommates were at work!

Getting to church wasn't easy though. Last night I had a nightmare that one of my roommates found out I was a Mormon and she wasn't mad, but she was hurt. Quite visibly hurt. When I was in high school and my friends would tell me they'd had sex for the first time, I'd have this rock sitting in the pit of my stomach like I'd been betrayed and I can only imagine that this is how my roommate felt in my dream after telling her I was LDS. Then she became passive aggressive. And then I woke up, 45 minutes before my alarm.

I woke up in a cold sweat, terrified that this would happen in real life. So I turned my alarm off and went back to sleep because I didn't want to deal with any hypothetical repercussions. When I woke up for real for the day I made breakfast and started watching the Sunday morning session of conference. At this point I was well awake and realised none of my roommates were home. I got a prompting to go to church and I knew I had to listen to it. It was only 9.30 so I would make it to Sunday school. I got dressed and made it to church for 10.12.

Upon entering the building I saw a toddler running around, which was odd. The family ward didn't start until 12. I walked around looking for the entrance to the chapel and all the lights are off in the chapel but there is a screen up at the pulpit. It took me a while to realise it was stake conference. I sat in the back row and listened to the speakers.

I love when we have conference because talks are my favourite part of church. So many lessons can be given from sacrament meeting talks. And every speaker said something that felt like it was directed at me and only me. Some things said that really stuck out to me:

• "If we rely on our Savior, we can overcome anything"
• "We are bringing salvation to our souls when we participate"
• "If we follow the promptings of the Spirit, we an help investigators and ourselves"
• "It has to be hard, if it were easy there would be no growth"
• "We must follow the Lord regardless of our fear"

A lot of the speakers talked about listening to promptings and it really resonated with me because had I not listened to the prompting that led me to church this morning, I would not have gone and heard all of these wonderful talks. I would be mad at myself for missing church, again and feeling worthless and like I didn't deserve Heavenly Father's and Christ's love like I've been feeling since I moved to Orlando. 

It is hard, but its not the gospel that hard. Its society and the impact that it has on us. But the blessings we get from simply going to church are more infinite than whatever happens when we don't go to church. When I got home I felt likeI had been uplifted and I've been given a new motivation to learn more about the gospel and how to be better. I am excited for Institute on Thursday. I haven't been excited in a long time. I feel like I can start over again. And as I pray for strength to overcome my fear of what others will think, I know I will receive the blessings that come with being able to share the gospel freely.

I know the church is true and if we follow promptings that the Lord gives us we will be filled with a joy.  It doesn't matter how hard things are, the Lords love for us is eternal and he will help us through. 

Nothing Worth Doing is Easy

Three years ago today I was baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. For those who don't know what church that is, I am a Mormon. It hasn't been an easy ride, nothing worth doing is, and I keep this part of me a secret from almost every one I know and I'm tired of it.

Me and the Elders who taught me, on the day of my baptism.

I'm scared of what people will think of me, I'm scared I'll lose my friends and I'm scared I'll be made fun of for being LDS because when I was first baptised, all these things happened. Lots of members are homophobic and theres a stigma behind being a member or a follower of Christ because people automatically think you're a terrible person even though true christians are full of love because Christ was and is full of love. 

Elder Uchtdorf said during the October 2017 Women's session of General Conference, when speaking of the 3 sisters, "why should you surrender your happiness to someone who doesn't care about your happiness," so why should I not shout my love of Christ and His restored church just because I'm scared of what might happen, I'm not happy and keeping this a secret is not making me happy. I haven't been to church in almost 3 months and I'm not motivated to go because I'm scared of what my roommates might think. 

So here I am, telling the world, I am a Mormon. I know it, I live it, I love. And I'm hoping sharing this will help me to become closer to Christ. And if people really do love me, they won't care that I'm a Mormon, and I hope they won't feel uncomfortable around me because I used to feel uncomfortable whenever someone said Christ's name.

But here's another secret, I'm also Jewish (which is why I used to feel uncomfortable about Christ). And a lot of people I know, especially my family, say I'm not allowed to be both. But who cares. I was born and raised Jewish, I had a Bat Mitzvah, I eat Kosher (for the most part) and I follow the high Holy Days (Chag Pesach Sameach). Judaism, which a lot of people choose to deny or ignore, is a race as well as a religion. My blood is 96% Jewish so it is within my right to call myself Jewish. Not only that, but Judaism is a culture, a culture which was nearly destroyed in 1945 so why are people nit-picky about who gets to be Jewish? "Oh you like Jesus, you can't be Jewish." *eye rolls for eternity because Jesus was Jewish and taught in the Temple as a boy* Being Jewish is very important to me so it makes me mad when someone says I cant be both. 

I know Heavenly Father is okay with me being both Jewish and Mormon and I shouldn't care what other people think. I know Heavenly Father loves me and I am His spirit daughter and that no matter how badly I mess up, or if I keep Him a secret, He will still love me. There is nothing big enough that I, or anyone else can do that will make Him stop loving us. I know that the Book of Mormon is true and that if we read it we will receive answers that we are looking for. I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church and that Russell M Nelson is the true President of the church. I pray that we can all find a way to find strength to share the gospel, however we can, and that I and we no longer need to hide our love of christ because we are afraid.